So another day passes and as time goes by we get a little bit older and a little bit slower. I have been on this hampster wheel for 30+ years and my thoughts always seem to take me to "If only I had taken the steps when I was in my early twenties I would have completed what would be the steps to have been a woman with real breasts and hopefully a partner who not only would understand but would continue to support and love me!
My fears are in control because I am certainly not! If I was, I would not be writing this! As I grew older and was in a relationship that started out great as most relationship often do. It began to deteriorate upon my rediscovery of what obviously was more important than discussing it with my wife and or what was trying to save a 23 year marriage. Now my wife, as much as I am sure she did love me, she would not have been able to be married to a crossdresser or Transgendered man. She would probably not really understand but may support my wishes and then divorced me! For over 15 years I was able to keep in the closet with not a soul to share who I really was! No one! Talk about lonely! I am in a relationship as I have said previous, where my dressing is fine however, the look in the eye reveals what is in the heart! Smiling and saying "Oh! How cute! I love that skirt or those heels or bra or whatever but there is that look! I know what that look is. It is the same look I give myself when I look into the mirror!
The Looking Into The Mirror Syndrome is what I call it. You begin the usual process of picking out what will be worn. Panties, Bra, Stockings or Pantyhose or Hold Up Stockings, Garterbelt or in my case Girdle, Skirt and Top or Dress and then (for Me) HighHeels. As I begin the dressing I love how I am feeling at that moment. I feel happy and I feel the sense of being feminine and I love it! I then begin by slowly pulling up my panties, and put on my bra and I as I do I enjoy that my mild case of gynecomastia will fill the cups of this beautiful black lace Wacoal bra however not at all satisfied that I do not have real beautiful feminine breasts. Then the Girdle and then for me the most exciting! I take my Gio Brand Reinforced Heel and Toe stockings out of the package. (Platinum Today) and I roll the stocking up in my hand careful not to snag. I slip my foot in and situate the reinforced toe straight and I begin to roll the stocking up my clean shaven leg. I am in heavan! It feels so wonderful and silky and the way it transforms my leg into a smooth evenly colored sheer delight. I attach the garters and then the next stocking. I can feel my manhood getting hard from excitement. I continue now with the rest of the garments and then the second most exciting moment of getting dressed for me. I take my red open toed heels (5 inch! I prefer 4 inch but too hard to find) and when I slide them on it feels so wonderful how smoothly they slide on because of the nylons! At this point in my mind! I feel wonderfully feminine and sexy and as I go to situate my skirt I happen to look into the mirrir and I see myself! I see a large masculine looking man in a nice sweater long sleeve floral top with a pretty maroon flowing skirt with Platinum colored stockings and well shaped legs with a small ankle. I imagine seeing real size "C" or "D" breasts which are not there but then I look at my face! I am aging now! I am in my 50s! I begin to feel regret for all the years passing without my wish being a reality! I see a masculine face, nose, eyes, hairline, jaw and shoulders and I can feel my heart sink and my stomach begin to hurt! I am a big man in beautiful women's clothing! I have hairy arms and chest! I shave my legs and buttocks and trim my gentilia area. Why Can't I look Like Her!>
After that initial look I feel oh so not feminine! I do feel weird! I hate it! I resent it! I get angry! I cannot have my wish! Not without a huge price both monetarily and emotionally. Emotionally because of the Fears! The Fears that rule! Yeah! Rule! Sure they are in power because if they weren't then I would be a woman with a penis like I truly want to be! I am an average looking man so it makes it even worse! The mind fantasy feels and sees me as feminine and pretty with beautiful shiny dark brown hair and my blue eyes with perfect eyebrows and flawless facial skin! It is not! I hate the mirror for it punches me in the gut and forces me to experience the truth in reality for me! I am alone! I am alone because I am afraid to go out and face the ridicule of closed minded ignorant mainline society! I am alone because even if I were to go to a club and try and hang out, I would feel as I was looking into the mirror as they all look at me! Even though they may be "Sisters" or not. I also know that many of my sisters like to talk in a high falsetto voice that is far from becoming and many have this attitude that is often like this when this story is told to them "Well Gurl! You better make a descision and get off your ass and face facts! It's not going to just go away and you will be unhappy forever! So don't go cryin' to me bitch because I don't give a damn what anyone thinks! Hah! Fuck everyone of them!" Oh Good just the support I was looking for! Now I am even more fearful! The head was bobbing from side to side and the horrible bent wrist to emulate a feminine one. Then when walking it looked as though she was about to sit on a toilet. I try hard to walk straight up and legs together which is difficult for a male's structure!
What Now? Extreme Courage? Oh Yeah! That is putting it mildly! Having guts and courage probably would do the trick however that descision will cost me most of my family! Most all but maybe one friend and I would never have work! I am self employed and my contracts have known me for two decades! No matter, They would not want to be stung by the stigma of allowing a Crossdresser or Transgendered person working within their ranks! I would be forced out. Because of discrimination laws, it would be my decision because of the unplesantness created by the jeers and stares and the ridicule and the taunts endless! It would basically ruin my life as I know it!
Starting a new life as the woman I want to be? Would be the biggest fear of all! I would have to be able to look into the mirror and feel good about what I see! Great is more like it! I would have to see a feminine face ($25,000+) No beard or body hair! (($10,000) I would need hormones and doctors supervision ($8000 to $10,000) Buttocks enhancement ($4,000) It would be close to $75,000 to at least possibly make me feel comfortable with my appearance! No friends, No work, disowned by most of the family! I would be around 56 or 57 years old by the time the process would be complete! I would then be considered a lesbian because I am not attracted to men physically! I cannot say what I may feel after the entire process but I know that right now it is true!
I need women friends I can talk to, I need women friends that would treat me as a woman and talk to me as a woman and I need women for lovers! My guess! It will never happen! I will continue to have some health problems due to depression and high blood pressure which all began after I relized who I wasn't and to become who I wanted to be! Being in the closet is actually in many ways a death sentence! Alone! The desire to be and live as you want but cannot! To go out in the world and have it be okay! Not in my lifetime! I am very sad and even though I look like a happy guy full of jokes and laughter, I am crying and dying inside! I'm alone! I'm a prisioner within myself! I see a wonderful lady therapist that I believe in and pray will know how to help me! May help me go trough transistoin and help me discover myself and recreate over 50 years of a life that will mainly be put aside. I need this! I want this! I feel it everyday all day long! I am intelligent, I am loving, I am a giver and love to help others, I am funny, I play music, I love travel, I enjoy fine wines and dining, I so love fashion, I enjoy motorcycling, and a host of other things just like everyday people! But because I want to be a woman with REAL breasts and look like a woman and think as a woman I cannot because I won't be accepted as such! I will be tagged as a weirdo, A pervert! Mentally dearranged! Just about every sickness or mental defect there is! It is clothing people! Clothing! Fabrics and colors! No one is in danger of me! I can still be an asset to the community! I can still work and be productive! I need real women friends who are open minded and understand so I can talk to them and share ideas and be friends! Please! May The Universe Make Me A Woman! May you all understand and help take the fears away!
