I realize that after reading the past two stories that many who have transitioned or are transitioning or are transsexuals or crossdressers often will write to me and get down right nasty and tell me I am just feeling sorry for myself and if it were really in my soul and spirit to either "Come Out" or be the woman I desire to be I would and not let anything prevent my doing so.
I suppose there is some truth there! I am scared to death of doing so! Imagine that I am fortunate enough to have a wife (Just married a week ago) who knows I enjoy crossdressing. She is aware of my deep desire to grow real breasts. She is also the difference in a very large part that has kept me in some focus. She has said to me before "If you want or change into a female, then I will move on! After all I want a man as my husband/boyfriend". That in it's own way scared me. I felt that I have lost a confidant in many ways. Do I fear even mentioning my desire to be a woman? "FULL TIME"? She would ask. Of course not! I would say to get out of the situation as quickly as possible! There is no basis for my thoughts about her feelings. It's fear! Fear has controlled a very large portion of my life. I have been able to make a living and survive pretty well. The point is, I cannot go beyond my fears often and face the dilemma head on.
If it were flooding in the basement? No Problem! I can face that head on! If it were dealing with the bills? No Poblem! I can deal with it somehow! None of these tasks are life altering per se. I have looked at photos of quite a few Transsexuals at http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSgallery1.html and I weep because I am not there! I am not wearing the smile and the dress or the skirt or the bathing suit etc. These woman have overcome huge hurdles to give themselves the gift that they have desired forever! Here I am, cowardly, feeling sorry for myself, just wishing, wishing, dreaming, dreaming and living in a world fantasy instead of true happiness. I am a large framed male from Eastern European decent. I am 6ft 1 inches tall and I weigh 280LBS! I have gynacomastia (enlarged breast tissue in males) that really doesn't offer me real feminine breasts.
Like this beautiful lady on the right!
I have for years told myself "This year I will lose 100LBS and trim my waistline and maybe even go as far as "Corset Training" to really hone my feminine appearance. I don't want to work out with weights because I don't want to appear any larger than I already do! I want my muscles to atrophe so I have more feminine lines. This year I will do it, This year, and now it is five years later. I am trying several substances to promote breast growth and I have a distinct feeling non of them will work or I may do some physical harm to myself as I proceed on my endeavor for beautifully shaped feminine breasts!
The fears that prevail are the looks I will get from my brother and sister, the last of my immediate family of seven including parents. Disgust? Probably. Dismay? Sure. Sadness? Yes. Disassociation? More Than Likely! That is one of the fears! The other? Work. Gee! What will I say working among ninty percent males in a male oriented job that promotes macho(ness)? I would be laughed at, sneered at, treated as a Leper, Danger of my well being! That's a huge fear as well! No work! Ay my age no less! My friends would drop like flies! I may be able to salvage two or maybe three and they would still be quite uncomfortable with my decision and I am sure would eventually fade away. Neighbors here are somewhat conservative and I am sure would never speak to me again and would be graphic about making sure their children are rushed off into the house if I ever stepped out im my own yard! Then there is my wife. She would leave. She may reamain my friend but I am sure along with that would be a deep resentment for even allowing the marriage and living with my desires and dreams covertly instead of honestly! She would be correct! I cannot seem to live my life true to myself! It makes me cry as I write. The years I have left go by the wayside assuming I would find happiness with the right person (Woman) instead of within myself! Over 25 years I could have been happy and joyful at least of the fact that I was true to myself and I AM the woman I feel I am!
I love fashion and enjoy feminine attire very much! I just cannot look into a mirror without gagging! I am way to masculine looking. I just received a letter from a very prominent doctor in San Francisco known for his wonderful work in Feminine Facial Surgey that so many transitioned women have been to, to really give them that feminine appeal! He asked for me to take several pictures of my face in different positions so he can evaluate just how feminine he may make me look. He would have to be a magician! Beside, I do not have anyone to help me take those photos to send him! The expense is a major part since I have mortgaged my house to the max because of my recent move from California to Ohio. I needed capital to live on while searching for work. I want to be a female! At least partially. I am not sure about Sex Reassignment Surgery at 55 years of age. I don't feel it would make that huge of a difference because at this time I am only attracted to females! This does not mean I am not a woman in my heart and soul!
I wrote this because I am feeling sorry for myself! I am frustrated and because I am not living the life that my heart and my mind and body so desire! For twenty five years I have been on high blood pressure medicine, depression medicine, digestive medicine, medicine for restless leg syndrome and sleep aids. I had none of these issues twenty five years ago! I knew then what I truly was within! I knew then I was filled with fears and frustration over my thoughts and feelings. It basically sent me over the edge in many ways! Physiologically it has taken a major toll and mentally slow tortue along with my emotional disaster! I feel I have lost the dream! I cry often when I think about it! I cry often when I look in the mirror and see the "Male" not The Woman I feel I truly am! Please! Please! May The Universe Make Me A Woman! Please? Make it so I won't have to be full of fear and worry and create a disasterous situation just because I need to be who I truly am before I leave this Earth! I am a good person with a whole lot of love and nurturing! Why? Why did this have to happen to me? Why me? Oh I dwell endlessly on being a woman!
