So another day passes and as time goes by we get a little bit older and a little bit slower. I have been on this hampster wheel for 30+ years and my thoughts always seem to take me to "If only I had taken the steps when I was in my early twenties I would have completed what would be the steps to have been a woman with real breasts and hopefully a partner who not only would understand but would continue to support and love me!

Okay I know that most people know about crossdressing, transgendered people and transsexuals. I fall somewhere between crossdresser and transgendered. I use this analogy because I love dressing in female attire! I also dream of being a very feminine woman with some parts remaining the same as a male!

Let's go back to 1983 when I was in my fifth year of marriage and my ex wife and I were at Lake Tahoe staying at a friends place. I was leafing through the October 1983 Penthouse where I saw a young petite woman who was very lovely and feminine lying back on a bed relaxing in a sheer black bra that on one of the bra cups was the material was not filled by her breast and allowed one to see just how delicate the sheer nylon of the material was. Accompanying that was a black sheer garterbelt (suspenders) sheer black panties where clearly she was clean shaven except for a small patch perfectly shaped and trimmed just above. Black Reinforced Heel and Toe Nylon stockings along witha pair of 3.5 inch b;ack stiletto pumps.

I just stared at the photo and enjoyed looking at her pretty dark brown hair and blue eyes and bright smile and imagined what it would be like to wear clothing like that? How would it make me feel? What sensations if any, would I experience? My ex wife of course has no idea I am thinking these thoughts and as tempted as I was to discuss this with her I feared she would not take me seriously and even probably scoff at the idea and question where the hell my head was at! I remained silent.

On the ride back home I couldn't think about anything else. The night before while in bed, I remained erect almost the entire evening. I was still excited about imagining myself wearing something like that! However, I was concerned now as to how I would obtain something like these without embarassment.

It was a few days later and evn though I thought about this most of the entire days, I did not obsess about it. I had thought about a department store so I went into a very well known store and when I arrived at the lingerie department I could see all the different styles of pantyhose on plastic leg models as well as racks of panties and bras. I saw a couple of women taking care of customers and I weakend and left. "How was I going to buy what I wanted without freaking out!" I looked in the Yellow Pages for lingerie dealers and stores and I was surprised to find several.One I could see was near where I worked. After work I went into the store and there was only myself and two young women clerks. As soon as I walked in "Hi, How May I assist you"? I stumbled a bit over my words as I stated I was looking for some stockings for my wife. She walked me over to where there were hundreds of packages of different styles of either pantyhose or stretch stockings and nylon stockings either Fully Fashioned or Reinforced Heel and Toe. She asked how tall my wife was? I thought for a moment and realized if I said 5 feet six inches, the posibility of those stockings fitting me would be impossible. I said "Well, she is very tall, as tall as myself" I said. Okay, what is her weight she said. I thought for a moment and said 150 LBS. I didn't want to make it seem my wife was huge. She pulled out a pair of black ones and they were actually the longest pair she had. The clerk asked me if she had a garterbelt and I said yes because I doubted that she would have one in my size. As I was leaving the two stood together and were smiling and said enjoy to me with kind of a knowing I was too dense to pick up as yet. That night I got up out of bed and sneaked into the other bedroom wher I had hid the stockings. I remember opening the package and the sheer stocking unfolding in front of me. I was so erect now I thought my penis was going to literally burst! I even noticed I was wet. I slowly rollled the stocking in my hands careful not to snag it and when I was at the toe I put my foot into it and began to slowly roll the stocking up my leg. I could feel my body begin to quiver as it ended up on my thigh with that wide welt at the top of the stocking. I did the same with the other. My penis was dripping and I remember standing up while holding the stocking tops in place and steping a few steps, I could feel the material sliding against my skin and I rubbed my hand along the length of my calf and I began to have an orgasm! I did not even touch my penis and I shot a huge stream of sperm all over the stocking! I was never the same person again! Never!

The years passed and I never said a word to my ex wife. I began an amazing collection od stockings and garterbelts and panties and my newest fascination, bras! The finding heels that fit my man size 12 foot was an extreme challenge. I always stayed "In The Closet" and never spoke of this to my ex wife. Eventually the intimacy between us diminished and after 23 years of marriage we divorced. I was sick over the divorce because I loved her however my diversion was the root behind the lack of intimacy because I masturbated sometimes three times a day thinking of wearing my new skirts or blouses and tops and dresses etc. A huge mistake not to have mentioned this from the beginning because maybe we would have split back in 1983 and that would have given us 17 years of happiness elsewhere. Instead I never spoke and my secret became the destruction.

I'm on my own now and still reeling from the divorce. I eventually met another woman via a very close friend and we started to see each other and communicate often by email. I remember one evening getting up the nerve to tell her of my fetish and desires about feminine attire and to my surprise, she thought the idea was very exciting! She is a petite lady 5 feet 2 inches and 115 LBS. I am 6 feet 1 inch and 240 LBS. I wore waht I wanted now freely around my own place and the more I did so the more relaxed and calmer I became. I read fashion magazines and I began to feel changes taking place within me. I developed Gynacomastia which is where a mans breast begin to grow to an extent due to either heredity or medications and some believe marijuana. I know two could have been contributors! I went to the doc and he said the only thing that could be done was lyposuction or radical surgery! I chose neither. I can now see me filling an "A" cup bra (using bra extenders) then I was an "A/B" cup. I began a wonderful collection of bras. The only difference now was I began to literally dream I am a woman in my dreams. I usually was dressed very nicely but as I do enjoy, a little slutty. I would dwell on growing my breasts and I was firm about no implants! My girlfriend/Fiance' feared the impact it would have on my social life as well as the impact on my family and friends and coworkers! She was ever so correct! Yet the feelings and the desires linger. I am 54 years old now and I have such an amzing understanding of women and their feelings. I seem to get along so much better with women than men. Women even have told me I was different than most men and they liked me, I want real breasts very much and I have tried several phytoestrogen supplements that I will not name unless asked. I sometimes feel very incomplete. I have seen counseling and psychiatry and the sum of all this is that I am very much a male that has the mind of a female. I have taken test after test both physical and psycological, Visual and written. The doctors I spok to believe I could be a female and I want to be so bad it affects my daily life but the strength of social, family, friends and coworkers reactions and shunned attitudes at my age scare me. I pray I will awaken someday after begging May The Universe Make Me A Woman.